amends

I am honestly scared to death of making amends. Pride? Sure But also seeing myself in that “oh. Shit. I really fucked up and I’m going to lose this person”

   I know the most important amends is to myself. Which also scares me to death.

   To really see how I fucked up myself and my life> Letting despair overrule me has been extremely painful, on top of my regular depression I make it worse.

   Because I believe there is something deeply, deeply wrong with me and that I’m a lost cause.

   Shame.

   I shame spiral constantly.

   I said something wrong, so there is something wrong with me.

   I acted out because there is something deeply wrong with me.

   I have bad thoughts because I’m a bad person.

   And so on.

   I watched a brief video of a Native American person talk about their sobriety and how they had their spirit broken.

   That word, spirit — more powerful than body.

   See my brain is broken because of trauma, I have trauma responses. So i think I’M broken.

   Kind of.

   I will quit things but I’m too stubborn to quit entirely.

   This morning I was asking myself — what is this? Why am I doing this? Why am I in recovery?

   For my spirit.

   To make amends to myself, to my Higher Power, to others.

   There are some people that I won’t get to make amends to. But there is always ways of working through that.

   But first I have to forgive myself.

   For the eating, the “dieting”, the isolation, the blame, the bad & toxic relationships I hold onto. The people pleasing, the lack of boundaries, the bad attitude, the money I’ve spent.

   Etc.

   Best not to dwell here.

   Everyone has negative and some toxic traits.

   The sooner I admit them, the better.

Heavy

Everything hurts today.

There is pain from not knowing, and also from knowing.

I always thought if I just KNEW what was wrong I'd feel better. That is not the case.

I've been doing a lot of inner work this past couple weeks, and I've surprised myself what comes out when I free write. (Choose a topic, a word to write about for like, 10? 15? minutes. Don't think just write). It is a great exercise, but sometimes what comes out hurts.

I've also been listening to great podcasts about healing, childhood trauma/trauma, and its definitely time for me to take a break.

Trouble is, I'm trying to do things I enjoy but I'm not really into it. I know I need to start meditating but honestly it sounds scary.

Resting for most of my life has been something that is not allowed. It was punished. 

Now, 30odd years later, the same person who taught me that has been sleeping 18 hours straight during the weekend. I'm confused, and annoyed. People in my family just change their mind, change their behavior without saying a thing about it. (I know I'm guilty of it too). But when it comes up the response is always denial.

I am grateful I was also able to do housework that I haven't been able to do in weeks (bad knee), that was stressing me out. I was feeling like a sim whose mood is affected by a mess nearby Lol. I've always been a messy person, and it hasn't bothered me. But dirty is another story.

Everything is driving me nuts today. My habit is try to make it go away but perhaps I just need to ride it out. Though I have a woodworking project with my name on it. It is a form of meditation for me.

Oh I'm just so uncomfortable. It will pass... eventually........