amends

I am honestly scared to death of making amends. Pride? Sure But also seeing myself in that “oh. Shit. I really fucked up and I’m going to lose this person”

   I know the most important amends is to myself. Which also scares me to death.

   To really see how I fucked up myself and my life> Letting despair overrule me has been extremely painful, on top of my regular depression I make it worse.

   Because I believe there is something deeply, deeply wrong with me and that I’m a lost cause.

   Shame.

   I shame spiral constantly.

   I said something wrong, so there is something wrong with me.

   I acted out because there is something deeply wrong with me.

   I have bad thoughts because I’m a bad person.

   And so on.

   I watched a brief video of a Native American person talk about their sobriety and how they had their spirit broken.

   That word, spirit — more powerful than body.

   See my brain is broken because of trauma, I have trauma responses. So i think I’M broken.

   Kind of.

   I will quit things but I’m too stubborn to quit entirely.

   This morning I was asking myself — what is this? Why am I doing this? Why am I in recovery?

   For my spirit.

   To make amends to myself, to my Higher Power, to others.

   There are some people that I won’t get to make amends to. But there is always ways of working through that.

   But first I have to forgive myself.

   For the eating, the “dieting”, the isolation, the blame, the bad & toxic relationships I hold onto. The people pleasing, the lack of boundaries, the bad attitude, the money I’ve spent.

   Etc.

   Best not to dwell here.

   Everyone has negative and some toxic traits.

   The sooner I admit them, the better.