upset

I'm currently really upset right now, I was having what was a good day with my mom and she suddenly gaslighted me.

It's nothing new, I know how toxic she can be. Its upsetting, and double upsetting that people who know her wouldn't believe me.

I've been wondering why, lately, I'm afraid to get too close to people. I feel like when we reach a certain point, I distance myself. When a relationship, friendship or romantic is new we put on our best side. And later we show the imperfections.

Imperfections I can deal with, but in my life I always attract toxic people. Once I have some sort of feeling about someone, its hard for me to leave. They can treat me the worst and though I'm not okay with it, speaking up is really difficult too. I'm familiar with the term self esteem but really? I don't know her.

So I'm in a place where I can't enjoy anything. I reached out to my sponsor and she will (hopefully) answer me later. I feel like going to sleep. I wish I wasn't this affected. I just need some peace and quiet, no critical voices.

I know that recovery is working because I know I just need to sit with these feelings, which is honestly scary, but if I don't try to run from them they will eventually leave. I don't want to accept the gaslighting but honestly I don't have the tools yet to deal with it. And maybe ill try building some of that.. self esteem.