boundaries

I don’t remember the first time I heard about boundaries – it sure wasn’t from my family. Everything has been blurred between family members. We carry each others fears, anxiety’s, our minds seem to be molded together. There’s a great meme about “vibes” and one of them has an image of 2 bodies with their mind showing and like wind between each other.

That’s how it feels to not have boundaries. But to have them? I have no idea.

I have a lot of fears about setting them, for one, I don’t know what they are just yet. I don’t give myself permission to have them. I get angry at myself when my toes have been stepped on, but I do not tell the other person.

I have a writing group which consists of journaling words, just one word, and we free write whatever pops up into my head. (Kind of what I’m doing now). We don’t write to impress anybody, or to be liked, for any other reason than to get to know ourselves. I’ve been doing it less than a year, and I love it.

I have a dear friend that I meet on zoom and we free write together. She’s truly a wonderful person, and I’m not being critical (purposely) to say she’s flaky. We’ll decide on a time and she will continue to change it. I’m gritting through my teeth when I agree to it. And why would I change it? I’m not doing anything entirely meaningful. I don’t have boundaries so I get touchy when I agree to it.

I’m not treating either one of us well when I agree. But its my job to agree to everything, isn’t it? I mean who am I to get away from the molding of the minds. (sounds like a sci fi movie when I put it like that). (one I’d totally watch).

Strangely enough, I’m not infused with her to write what she wants me to write. I write what comes up, what I need to say, and she is very encouraging when I share. Hm. Strangely enough, I’m myself when I’m with her. We chat about our lives, what we’re up to, lots of talking about what we’re watching. We have a lot in common. and also strangely enough, she likes me. And I like her.

I think I just figured it out. I’m scared of messing up. See, I have had lost friendships when I speak up for myself. When I say “I won’t put up with that thing you do” (sorry for the reminder of that earworm song). And 9 times out of 10, people get defensive and don’t see what the issue is. And I end up heartbroken.

Still though, not having boundaries is not a sign of true friendship.

Which is probably why I don’t have a good relationship with myself.

Thinking about what I wrote, I suppose I do have boundaries. I just don’t have any with my family, which is extremely upsetting.

But first, I must find the lines they must not cross. There’s a lot of things about myself I don’t tell them. LOTS. Like the fact that I’m a nonbinary lesbian. Well, a few of them know, and theyre cool with it. But one person particular shoves me in a box that I also shove myself into. (My own school bully, I shove myself into a locker). She insists I’m a girl, a girly girl. Despite the fact that I have never been a girly girl. She wants to play with my hair, enjoy make up, and see me in dresses. (today i wore a grey shirt with green khaki’s, sneakers, with a half shaved head.

So she’s never gonna get that version of me. And that’s not my job to give it to her. I give her a lot already, and there’s no reason to shove myself in that locker. This is who I am and I like it.

I don’t like the version of me she has in my head. Hmm. Something to start with.