CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH A ONE-TWO PUNCH

In order to get the relationship you want, you must be willing to work for it. The best way I know to do this is to apply the relationship one-two punch:

1. Ask for nothing more than you’re willing to give in relationships.
2. Accept nothing less.

Often in couples there’s one person who is more of the taker and one who is more of the giver. The taker may provide an income to the family; however, beyond that s/he tends to be fairly selfish. The taker wants things done his/her way, does what s/he wants to do when s/he wants to do it, may provide little emotional support or comfort to family members, and adds little beyond money to the family system. The giver basically accepts what the taker gives (with occasional outbursts and pleas, but with no real sustenance).

There are many reasons why this dynamic gets set up, and let me be clear that often both parties contribute to this dynamic: takers learn to take advantage of their partners because their partners allow it; givers continue to do everything because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t do it all. Both partners create an endless dance of give and take, and neither are very skilled at partnering.

If you want a loving, equally fulfilling relationship, you have to not only be willing to provide your half of the equation (be respectful, thoughtful, emotionally and physically available, etc.), you also have to hold your partner accountable for providing theirs. Anything less runs the risk of creating a giver-taker relationship–one which you are partly responsible for creating.

The bottom line, as I see it, is: We all have the right to hold others accountable to the same rules we hold ourselves. If you are not respectful to others, clean up your act then demand they clean up theirs.

Life is a two-way street, and relationships are no exception to this rule. You deserve to have a partner who’s respectful, cherishing, emotionally and physically supportive, a loving co-parent, and a positive presence in your life. And, your partner deserves the same. Insure that the example you are setting is the behavior you want to receive. If it’s not, change your example. If it is, accept nothing less from your partner.

CHALLENGE: I believe that people will rise or fall to the level of our expectations more often than not. If you don’t expect others to treat you well, chances are they won’t. Begin to raise the bar in your relationships–on you and on your partner; your relationships will be transformed if you do.

SET THE BAR HIGH: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE…RELATIONAL

Too often people accept poor treatment from their loved ones without realizing how toxic that is to the relationship and to families. When we accept poor treatment, we become resentful, we teach our children to either accept poor treatment themselves, or be the perpetrators of poor treatment, we begin to feel unworthy, and we teach others that we’re not important enough to treat well.

You can’t stop your loved ones from doing what they’re going to do; however, you can choose to stop taking it.

Here are some foundational behaviors that everyone in a relationship has the right to expect:
1. To be greeted daily. It is common courtesy to acknowledge someone’s existence and for others to acknowledge yours. When you or your partner comes home, it’s respectful to say hello. It’s cherishing to go the extra step and give your partner a hello kiss and ask how his/her day went. Minimal, however, is the greeting.

2. To be treated respectfully. The Encarta Dictionary defines respect as “a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something.” If you are in an intimate relationship, you deserve to be thought of and treated with high regard…as does your partner. Yes, there will be times when you both will be upset with one another; however, that should not shake the foundation of admiration, high regard, and mutual respect.

This also means that you and your partner hold one another in high regard in and out of one another’s presence. You each deserve to know that if your partner is talking about you to anyone, that s/he is doing so from a sacred place.

3. You have the right to be emotionally and physically safe, as does your partner…at all times. You and your partner have the right to expect that each of you will handle your anger responsibly and that you both will be safe to be in a relationship with. (Note: This means all of the following are OFF the table: shaming, yelling, swearing, name calling, and any form of emotional or physical violence).

4. To have your belongings respected and taken care of. Whether or not you like each other’s belongings is irrelevant; what’s important is that you treat each other’s belongings well. If you use something, put it back the same way and place you found it. If you accidentally break or misplace your partner’s belongings, fix or replace them. Treat your partner’s things as you would like your partner to treat yours.

5. To be supported. Both you and your partner have the right to have your dreams and ambitions, supported, encouraged, and assisted with whenever possible.

In general, any good relationship should have these components and every individual DESERVES these components. It’s up to you to insure you have them. Don’t settle for less, and certainly don’t, for a moment, think you deserve less. If you’re not getting these basic fundamentals, it’s time to take a serious look at your relationship and come up with a plan to fix it and fix you (why are you settling for less???).

CHALLENGE: Take an inventory on your relationship. Go through each point above and assess where you and your partner fall in each area. Use a scale of 1-10 to assess with one meaning you do not have that at all and ten meaning you both are great in this area.

After you’ve done an honest assessment, choose one thing you need to personally work on and begin working on it. Next choose one area your partner needs to work on and hold him/her accountable for doing so.