5. Have difficulty having fun.
6. Take themselves very seriously.
11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
Today I am feeling ALL of these. It started today when I spilled nail polish. First, a four-letter word came flying out of my mouth. Not new, I started cussing at age 8 or 9. But then I noticed things. I was angry. I stayed angry. I became very irritable and everything was pissing me off. I let myself become angry these days, I don’t push it aside or try to make it go away. Instead I ride it out and see what happens.
I remember how much making mistakes, being a kid was punished growing up. Just a few particular instances come to mind, like the night I cooked scrambled eggs for my father after dinner (i was probably around the same age, 8 or 9) and after I gave it to him he complained that the eggs weren’t “scrambled” enough. I was shamed for doing things like spilling, making a mess, not doing my own dishes (nevermind I was never asked) and the like. The attitude from my parents was “HOW DARE YOU! How could you do that TO ME?!?”
When my Mother was angry at me she’d give me the silent treatment. She never told me what I did that made her angry, she just ignored me. Most of the time, it would last until the next day. Nothing I said or did could make her talk to me. It was painful. Very, very painful. Now I notice I do that to myself. While I’m angry I’m ignoring myself and not forgiving myself for making a mistake.
I believe I blame myself for all my parents unhappiness. I shame myself for being a BAD daughter. (By the way, if you’re new to this program, I HIGHLY recommend you do NOT read the book “perfect daughters”. Like most program material, it focus mainly on the faults that we see in ourselves. I felt like shit after reading it). So anyway, I take all the responsibility of my parents unhappiness and problems.
I was looking at pictures of me as a kid, and I’m looking at myself thinking, ok, what is it about you thats so horrible? Why do you think your parents are ashamed of you and hate you? I was smiling, happy, goofy kid. I’d dance around, being random, playing games, whatever, so what is it about me that’s so horrible? Then I spill the nail polish. And it hits me. Its the mistakes that my child, inner child has made over the years. Being a kid, not knowing about life things, making mistakes, acting silly, dressing funny, whatever. But mostly I’m ashamed of myself because I don’t feel loved or lovable by my current family. My Fathers family left when my parents split. I loved them entirely completely whole heartidly. Then they left. The family I have now–complete opposites. I’m fatter than them, I’m dumber than them, I’m a different shade (color), whatever, the list goes on. I’m the black sheep of the family.
My mother, the way I see it, is the hero. She’s praised, rewarded, put on a pedastal, and well, lets just say that the way I was treated, and the person that other people see are different. Completely different. It was downright abuse. And I hate myself now because I’m constantly comparing myself to her. I tell MYSELF how fat, stupid, ugly, and useless I am because I don’t measure up. I’m a sad excuse, and I believe it whole-heartidly. I blame nobody but myself, and get angry at nobody except myself.
