Sometimes the “awareness” stage of things being wrong is like being hit in the face by a professional boxer. It’s not always wonderful and dandy.

This morning i was woken up by a whining dog. Nothing unusual for me in my life. It doesn’t happen quite as often as it used to growing up but its quite annoying. Dogs are quite annoying in my life. They are never a blessing. Maybe if the so-called adult in my life would actually take the time to train them, but no. They are stupid, spoiled, rotten dogs. They can do no wrong. (ME.. on the other hand…… never can do right)

I ate breakfast and pondered going slightly out of town with my adult child mother. Decided I didn’t feel like babysitting, so I washed off the spot-filled windows on the car I’m going to use today and went to the gym. Didn’t do much. I put in little effort. I was annoyed by the people at the gym. Why is it when I want to use a machine that someone has to use it for like 20 minutes? Anyway I got “home” and noticed adult child mom forgot her cell phone. Oh fan-tastic. Waiting on her to ask me to drive 1 1/2 hours out of my way to deliver it.

I checked the mail. Oh good. Another bill I can’t pay. $225. I mean, me, personally, as an individual, can’t pay it. I haven’t worked in years. (huge issue. I am disabled in my mind. I cry at job interviews. It’s pathetic.) Anyway, Im pissed. I’m annoyed. I have a life where i have “everything”, and i have absolutely nothing. I have needy parents who only give me problems, an endless appetite for food, layers and layers and layers of hostility and anger, memories I want to remember but can’t, endless missing relatives, an empty bank account and an empty hole in me.

On the way home from the gym I wondered why I let myself be put through this hell. Why do I torture myself? When I think of the hell both my parents and my relatives put me through, why do I keep letting it happen? Talk about being inconvenienced my entire life by their..selfishness.. disease.. whatever it is.

Then a thought came in, oh yeah, nobody paid any attention to me growing up so I feel like I don’t exist. No one talked to me, no one told me I was pretty, or smart, nobody flourished me with hugs and kisses, no bedtime stories, no help with homework, no “how was your day”. Nothing. Well not exactly nothing. I got questioned why I didn’t know this or that, I was accused of things, I was told that what i was wearing was crap, I got questioned about food, I got laughed at when I messed up, I was called a dumb f**** and was given the silent treatment when I did something wrong, sometimes for days, and never was told why, or what happened. I got ignored and forgot about. I got rejected. Merry Christmas, here’s your present of a pile of shit. Yay!!!!

I hate talking about this crap. There’s never a moment when I’m glad to share this. People generally think I’m a spoiled bitch because I’m complaining when I’m this pathetic old woman living with her mother who “doesn’t have to do anything”. Screw you buddy, I have to do PLENTY. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to. Just the way I was “raised”.

I have stress not only about a billion yesterdays I can’t do anything about, but the stress of the things I feel I can’t deal with. How do I deal with a cry baby so-called helpless mother, her five billion problems, but the stress of the things I don’t know in MY life. (my non-existent life that is). Aw poor mommy forgot her phone, lets get the violins playing. Poor baby. As SHE would say, what about me? If something happened, if she got a brain and kicked me out or died or whatever, Id be totally screwed. i’m like a wild animal that has been tamed from living in a zoo. I’d nearly die on my own. I know i wouldnt LITERALLY die, but my whole world would crash. Pathetic, but true.

So thats my whine.
Anybody got cheese?

* My toxic mother won’t kill me. If she could, she would have already.
* Any guilt I feel regarding my toxic mother was planted, watered and tended by my mother.
* If my toxic mother were a co-worker or neighbor and I moved away, I’d never visit of her again.
* Family secrets instill guilt and shame. Are you being paid to keep family secrets? Then it’s not your job to keep them.
* If you can hear your mother’s voice in your head belittling you, tell her out loud she’s wrong. It’s okay. Other drivers will think you’ve got hands-free.
* Any mother who could be cruel to a child is not going to apologize to that child when they’ve grown up.
* Take everything negative about your mother and flip it in your life: create a welcoming and warm home life; express love and encourage others daily, extend yourself to those in need and remember, a life well lived is the best revenge.
* Five ways to say no to your toxic mother: No, I won’t be doing that. No, don’t count on my being there. No, I’m done subjecting myself to your drama. No, I choose not to accept the stress. No, I have more positive things to do.
* You can tell your toxic mother that as you’ve grown into a woman you’ve developed a better understanding of the choices she made. That should shut her up for a few moments.
* Your toxic mother can only intimidate you if you let her. While she’s busy trying to bully the child you, the adult you can reject her, ignore her, correct her, or report her to authorities.
* Amuse yourself to avoid getting sucked in. Keep an egg timer, a pad and paper by the phone. Tally the lies, the guilt trips and the demands she can make in 3 minutes. Then hang up.
* Never fight crazy with crazy. Crazy is your toxic mother’s ‘hood.
* Repeat after me: My toxic mother does not live in my head. She lives in her head.
* When relatives and friends say they can’t understand how you can treat your mother the way you do, consider telling them the truth.
* A toxic mother is an unnatural disaster.
* You can laugh or you can cry. Laugh. It’ll annoy the hell out of your toxic mother.
* Never hand a toxic “mom bomb” the match.
* On Mother’s Day and other family holidays focus on the positive women (and men) in your life. Thank them for their caring, kindness and encouragement.
* The cruel rule of RSVP is that the one person you hope will decline always comes. Never actually extend an invitation to an event at which you’d hate to see your toxic mother.
* Mother-daughter time is precious only if it’s positive.
* Give your mother the one gift she never gave you: the truth.
* Don’t let your toxic mother rob you of rich friendships with women who on the surface remind you of her. What are the odds your mother had an even more evil twin?
* Remember what my dad said, nobody can resist a joyous woman.
* Consider that your toxic mother may have been treated even more badly as a child than you were. It could keep you from throwing something.
* There is no dishonor in retreat. Refusing to enjoin battle is a small victory when it comes to toxic mothers.
* Keeping your children away from your toxic mother is a no-brainer. Introduce them to kind, responsible elders instead. Don’t know any? Consider visiting or volunteering with your child at a senior center or veterans home for an hour a week.
* Honor thy mother and father? You can honor them by respecting yourself first.
* Stare down your toxic mom fears until she fears you more.
* That which is most personal is most universal. People will understand if you simply say, my mother is not a nice person, but I am.
* Whose little girl am I? I can be my own little girl. I can care for and nurture her myself.

I went to the dentist for a cleaning last week, and I really shouldn’t have, but I checked up on the payment. (not my money, not my account). I let my irresponsible workaholic mother write a check to pay for it. Not surprisingly, at ALL, there isn’t enough money in the bank for it to clear. If there was a penny for every time she’s bounced a check, with or without my help, she’d be a freakin millionaire. She’s been in debt more times than she’s bounced checks. Thousands and thousands of dollars, shes always paying for everything, me, and planet earth, regardless of being able to afford it.

So the question I’m asking myself is why am I depending on undependable?!!?

It’s so normal for me that its weird I’m actually asking myself this question.

Seems like I’m always depending on the wrong people or wrong situations. I’m sitting here accusing my mother of being irresponsible, but HELLO how irresponsible am i!! I’m not a irresponsible workaholic (at the moment) although if I had a job (minimum wage is all i could get) I wouldn’t be responsible for myself. I’m hardly ever responsible for myself! Ever!

I’m also thousands in debt (thanks student loans) been to court for non payment for other bills. I’m so ashamed of myself for it. I feel disgusting about it. My moms “solution” is working more hours, and more school to get more money. Is more money a real solution?! Not really! The more money we seem to make the more we spend!

I’m emotionally completely irresponsible too. For the past couple years I’ve been going to online meetings, but i haven’t been in a while. In about 10 minutes there is going to be a remembrance ceremony type-thing for people who have lost people during the holidays, and I should be there. I should be sharing or opening up about myself in some form.. I randomly cried twice yesterday.. but I stop myself. I’m too busy worrying about bills, dishes, my ever-growing-fat-ass and the to-do list i can’t do. And being annoyed at emails where my mother writes me her endless worries, frustrations, money problems and her endless to do-list. Isn’t there more to life than this….?

While browsing random pictures posted by people I came across one that brought me to tears. (That doesn’t happen often). It’s probably famous but I’d never seen it before. It is of a (white) child, probably only 1 or 2 dressed in a KKK outfit. He/she is touching a piece of face-shield equipment by a (black) officer, looking like a riot is about to break out. It’s heartbreaking people teach children hatred so young.

Even though neither one of my parents purposely sat me down and taught me hatred, there was always an aura of disgust with people for hundreds of different reasons. I feel they essentially taught me hatred by disconnection, by choosing not to be part of anything. Not teaching me how to get along with others; quite the opposite. Bad behavior, by children standards were tolerated. (I would cuss at age 4 and it was evidently hilarious to them).

I learned how to resent people, how to avoid/hide, how to judge, how to criticize, how to bully, how to micromanage, and most of the time feel perfectly fine while doing it. (Since it’s always everyone else’s fault when something bad happens)

Being childlike isn’t tolerable, accepted and approved. I vividly remember playing and dancing as children do and being laughed at and judged harshly. Saying a word wrong and being laughed at. Being laughed at for asking questions. I was always mocked for being a child. So I grew up. Quick.

Sitting here today as an “adult”, one of my biggest regrets is letting myself getting bullied out of a childhood. All the times I tried to “be strong”, not cry and “suck it up” when my world was collapsing.

Nobody can turn back the clock to our childhood and ask mom and dad what the hell is wrong with you…. but at least today I know better. At least I am capable of being emotional today and not feel ashamed of crying.

As a recovering codependent, one of the acronyms that has helped me most is “S.A.L.T.” STOP ACTION, LISTEN, and THINK. Now when i get myself into a situation where I’m in conflict with someone else, instead of reacting to the conflict I do the following:

STOP ACTION= so i can focus on how I am feeling. I take a deep breath, and try to get my bearings so I can detach from the persons behavior.

LISTEN= to myself “self-talk.” Am I telling myself to change the other person, to get him or her to see my side? Do I feel afraid or threatened?

THINK= about what I want to do. If I think about the choices I have, I can change my usual ways of reacting. This gives me a feeling of mastery over my actions, and the self-confidence to deal effectively with the conflict.

Please Listen to What I am Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one. But don’t believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth– underneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in fear being found out. That’s why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a calm, sophisticated front to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation and I know it. It’s the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh. Laughter would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with front of “having it together,” and a trembling child within. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter to you in a cool tone; I tell you everything that’s nothing and nothing of what’s everything what’s crying within me. So when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying, Please listen to what I am not saying.

I dislike the phony game I’m playing. I’d like to be real and spontaneous, and me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when it may seem to be the last thing I want, and need. Only you can call me aliveness. Each time you’re kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings– small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you re to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long time of feeling inferior builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me, the harder I may strike back. It is irrational, but I am irrational. I fight against the very things I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger then walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try and bet down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands– for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I? you may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every newcomer you meet.

From the book called “Stepping Stones To Recovery from Codependency by Katie C and Deb M

youre ugly
you smell
youre annoying
you bark too much
youre needy
youre clingy

you
and your stupid friends
are nothing
but
a
big
giant
waste
of
space

i know you think you matter
there’s someone else here
who likes you
loves you
more than me

she is always there for you
she is always giving you anything
and everything
at the drop of a hat
all you do is whine and scream
and you get what you are asking for

youre never punished
ever
no matter how bad you are
youre always rewarded
youre always pampered
no
matter
what

i hate you
and your stupid friends
i hate your owner
how shes always trying to force me to change
how shes always trying to force me to like you

both of you
can kiss
my
ass

There’s a inner battle–where I actually am, and where I want to be. I want to be mature enough just to pick up a phone and TALK without the obsessive thinking. What do I say what do I WANT to say what do I think they want to hear WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!! I want to be over this already!!!

I’m emotionally and spiritually dumbfounded. I’m feeling 10,000 things at once. Anxious, scared, angry, annoyed, overwhelmed, crazy, stupid, insane…. I want to say yes i want to say no I want to say leave me alone I want to go I want to do… battle battle battle!! I was doing “fine” till my phone rang!!! Well I wasn’t doing anything, just the usual house chores. Currently washing my sheets. (That’s all I ever do, along with isolate and more other housework)

What am I afraid of.. nothing and everything.. i want to change.. i want to be mature, happy, self respectable.. in other words.. I don’t want to be me! I am not those things. Or maybe I am and I just don’t know it. *beating my head against a virtual wall*

There’s nothing any single person–including me– can do about this. There is no definite answer. Just war.

No idea how to surrender to this. but this feeling seriously BLOWS.

whew. that feels better.

Once again I’m home alone.. for which I am grateful. Being alone with myself allows me to think my own thoughts (which are mostly about how wrong this and that is, and how wrong this person is and looping resentments etc etc) but the disease inside me is still there.. lurking.. my old al anon sponsor told me that when an alcoholic gets sober, the disease is waiting outside in the parking lot doing push-ups. It’s always there. I have that too.

I go to online meetings, and i caught the last half of a meeting. I had no idea what the topic was but the shares were nice. After the meeting it was open chat–this is when things get tricky. This is when the dysfunction can come. the unoffical leader asked for questions or if anyone wanted to share.. someone started sharing, and as people came in and out the ‘leader’ welcomed them, interrupting the share. Then saying its open chat and still encouraging people to ask questions and share. Um hello? If someone is sharing you LISTEN! So I just left. That crap drives me nuts. Don’t encourage someone to share if you’re just going to interrupt them.

Anyway. As usual I don’t know what to do with my days. Usually it’s nothing, eating, watching tv, occasionally go to the store. The other day I bought a couple of warm things for winter. Being in public is such chaos for me in my head. My disease isn’t in the parking lot, it’s right next to me telling me how awkward, stupid and disguisting I am. Telling me how everyone is thinking how gross I am and I should never talk to anyone. Don’t even look at people in the eye.

Yesterday I went to the gym, which i have been neglecting the past month and it shows in my belly. (thanks halloween candy!!) I did more cardio than I have in a while, and it felt good to feel the sore muscles and I was actually tired earlier than i have been in the last month. Doing a good workout always makes me feel good. Getting my heart rate up and *feel the burn* as Jane Fonda used to say. After I was done a lady who works there was making a protein shake and she asked me if i wanted any.. I said no thanks.. im gonna go home and (pause) uh, eat something. I almost said binge. I had only eaten once and was convinced I’d eat and eat and eat, but I didn’t. It was a strange feeling, saying I was going to binge. I’m always and forever eating but I’ve never truly FELT or admitted to myself “hmm Im gonna binge now”.

In the mail yesterday was a notice to pay a huge bill or get taken to court. Sigh. I’ve already done this once last year, it was humiliating. I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t get public assistance like I had planned. I was alone. And I lost. And it doubled the cost of the bill. So it’s happening again. I have no idea what to do about it. It scares me. I don’t need halloween movies, all I need is mail to jump out of my skin. I get the feeling of pure powerlessness but no hope for a solution. How fun.

Well this isn’t recovery but i don’t talk to people about this stuff, and it feels better getting out of me. Take THAT you stupid disease.

Last week I ordered a few books off of amazon, all recovery related. All ACOA related, though not approved literature. One is a daily meditation reader and two are by an author David Richo, “how to be an adult” and “how to be an adult in relationships”. I am skimming them and wow–powerful stuff. I appreciate that the author takes a big step back and writes things about how we got the way we did, the stuff in childhood we missed. Its a big affirmation for me.

I’ve taken HUGE steps back, which has been both good and bad. I do less daily work, for others, focus more on me, taking it easy, learning to relax and start to be comfortable in my own body. It’s been quite the painful process.

Skimming these books I’m believing how this is a step in repairing myself, not just a “fix”. I have been absolutely terrified of “growing up”, but its actually very empowering. To take my OWN power back, to accept myself, and value myself, FIRST. I am very good at the quick fixes. The whole losing weight thing, hair and makeup, doing whatever i can, physically, to make myself feel comfortable. It never works permanently.

My panic is lessening when I’m around my mother, and when she gets home after work or whenever. I’ve always given her ALL my power, the power to make me feel good and bad. Mostly, bad. She’s always critiquing everything. Mostly what I do, not who I am. Or how good I look, or how much weight i’ve lost, etc, more temporary fixes. I’ve always thought our relationship was mother-daughter (me=mother, her=daughter) but I see now its more of a child-child relationship. We never speak up, we never speak out, communicate, talk about feelings, nothing even remotely adolescent-like. We are truly both adult children. And it’s okay. She can be who she wants, and I can, and making the choice to grow up.

Thank you again to the positive comments, they are much appreciated.

I added more links to acoa resources I’ve found over the past few months.

Best wishes & love
♥

Now, doing everything, I’m treated like a queen, and it feels like crap.

making a relationship work shouldn’t be about daily household chores.
it’s more about spending time together, doing things together, communicating. Less “FOR” and more “WITH”.

I realized today I am feeling very lazy, and I don’t want to spend all of my time and energy into making something PHYSICALLY work. And its a liberating feeling, less stressful, less painful, a thousand times more tolerable.

Yes relationships are work.. but should be more emotional.. quite the war going on in my head and heart about it.