Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn’t have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person’s unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we’re so tired we don’t care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.’

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it’s own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

Transformation through Grief

We’re striving for acceptance in recovery – acceptance of our past, other people, our present circumstances, and ourselves. Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom – the freedom to take care of ourselves.

Acceptance is not a one step process. Before we achieve acceptance, we go toward it in stages of denial, anger, negotiating, and sadness. We call these stages the grief process. Grief can be frustrating. It can be confusing. We may vacillate between sadness and denial. Our behaviors may vacillate. Others may not understand us. We may neither understand our own behavior nor ourselves while we’re grieving our losses. Then one day, things become clear. The fog lifts, and we see that we have been struggling to face and accept a particular reality.

Don’t worry. If we are taking steps to take care of ourselves, we will move through this process at exactly the right pace. Be understanding with yourself and others for the very human way we go through transition.

Today, I will accept the way I go through change. I will accept the grief process, and its stages, as the way people accept loss and change.

Self Value

We have a real life of our own. Yes, we do.

That empty feeling, that senses that everyone except us has a life – an important life, a valuable life, a better life – is a remnant from the past. It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate.

We are real. So is our life. Jump into it, and we’ll see.

Today, I will live my life and treasure it as mine.

Financial Responsibility

“When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess
stone cold sober, and I really had a mess,” said one woman.

“I wasn’t able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make
amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay
current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But
in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my
credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.

“Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency – the
hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had
made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account
together, and he over drafted checks until I lost the right to have a
checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he
drove that into the ground.

“We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat – and we borrowed
a lot from my parents,” she said. “By the time I began my recovery from
codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but
it didn’t matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face
if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.

“Slowly – very slowly – I began to work out of my mess. It seemed
impossible! I didn’t even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and
hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible
for myself.

“One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially from my
husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision
I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my
life.

“It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to
produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem
was at an all time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever
untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with the help
of a Higher Power, manageability crept in and replaces chaos.

“I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a
little at a time. I let go of what I couldn’t do, and focused on what I
could do.

“Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined
possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has
been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.

“I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for
love or for alcoholism. With the help of God and the Twelve Steps, I won’t
have to.”

One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery – mentally, emotionally,
spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets
better – because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But
once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we
are on our way.

God, help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved
tomorrow, even if I can’t see the solution. If I have allowed the problems
of others to hurt me financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries
around money – and what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do
not have to allow anyone else’s financial irresponsibility, addiction,
disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in
spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing
to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.

Throwing Out the Rule Book

Many of us feel like we need a rulebook, a microscope, and a warranty to get through life. We feel uncertain, frightened. We want the security of knowing what’s going to happen, and how we shall act.

We don’t trust life or ourselves.

We don’t trust the Plan.

We want to be in control.

“I’ve made terrible mistakes about my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me. Life has really shocked me. How can I trust myself? How can I trust life, and my instincts, after where I’ve been?” asked one woman.

It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency. We don’t have to be fearful. We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.

Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again. We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year. We’ve learned, grown, changed. We did what we needed to do then. If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.

We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences – even our mistakes – to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?

We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not have to punish ourselves with our past. We don’t need a rulebook, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, “I trust you. No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think.”

Today, I will stop clinging to the painful lessons of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don’t know what it is.

earning

So the last couple posts have dug into me, and I’m realizing; I have been trying to earn love, trying to earn this place in life by what I do. It’s something I’ve known but hadn’t quite absorbed completely. All the list of things that we do to cover the pain, compulsive (fill in the blank); people pleasing especially.

I’ve receieved nothing but rejection, especially from my parents. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Of course my grades weren’t good enough, I was a below average student. I was never thin enough, that started when I was in Junior High. I could never cook or clean enough. Never enough laundry. Never enough whatever. But I’ve been trying, trying, trying, desperately trying to earn my parents love. It’s never happened, and I know it never will. This isn’t defeat, its surrender.

I have spent my life not only trying to earn my parents love, but also earn love for myself. I’ve been trying to like myself through what I do, or don’t do. My life pattern history is trying to do this and that so I can love myself. Trying to be smarter, trying to be more outgoing, trying to do better in life, especially with school, jobs, people, money, family, friends. Trying, trying, trying until I’m so worn out that I can barely function because I’m frustrated, angry and ultimiately, I’m alone. I’m trying to leave myself, I’m trying to be someone else so I can love myself.

There’s nothing I can do to earn God’s love. The very fact that I’m living shows that God loves me. Every time I choose to take care of myself I show God that I love Him. Even when I make a mistake, God loves me. Every time I’m selfish, God loves me. Every time I say no to God, He still loves me. There’s nothing I can do to earn it, and nothing I can do to lose it. He knows everything about me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I was at my absolute worst, He loved me. When I’m at my best, He loves me the same.

In Al-Anon we learn; we can only change ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves. Just like when we are on a plane they tell us if the oxygen masks come down, put on our masks first so we can help another put on their masks. If we can’t breathe, how can we help someone else breathe? The same goes for love. If I don’t love myself, how can I possibly help another human being love themselves? It’s just not possible. We can’t give away what we don’t have. This isn’t defeat, its a blessing. Its surrender. This brings peace, not shame. Yes, the best thing I can do for myself, that I can do for others, that I can do for God is just relax. He’s taking care of everything and everyone, not me. Thankfully. I have limited power. God has all the power. I’ll let Him.

Stopping Our Pain

Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn.
–Beyond Codependency

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early
childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options.  Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain – temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings. We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don’t have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids – temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with our Higher Power’s help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward – into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that’s appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful
feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

Powerless over Others

Stop making excuses for other people.

Stop making excuses for ourselves.

While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves accountable for
our own behavior and, at the same time, have compassion and understanding for ourselves.

When we claim powerlessness, we are not claiming irresponsibility. We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do. We’re stating that we are willing to end an ineffective life based on willpower and control. And we’re beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves.

We are not victims. We are not helpless. Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.

Today, I will avoid making excuses for my own or someone else’s behavior. I will let consequences and responsibility fall where they belong.

disabled

Part of the problem with the world “disabilities” is that it immediately suggests and inability to see or hear or walk or do other things tht many of us take for granted. But what about people who can’t feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren’t able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.

-mr rogers

being transformed

I am faith filled and fear free because I am being transformed from the inside out.

 

Here is a prayer of faith.

          I now call the activity of the Holy Spirit into every cell, every tissue, every organ in my being. I invite the Holy Spirit to lovingly transform every energy, every belief, every idea, every understanding, every expectation, every judgment, every motivation and every behavior, bringing them into alignment with the perfect will of God, so that I may take the next step toward the divine plan for my life.

          I now call the activity of the Holy Spirit into every cell, every tissue, every organ in my being. I invite the Holy Spirit to lovingly transform every energy, every belief, every idea, every understanding, every decision, every expectation, every judgment, every motivation and every behavior, bringing them into alignment with the perfect peace of God, so that I may take the next step toward the divine plan for my life.

          I now call the activity of the Holy Spirit into every cell, every issue, every organ in my being. I invite the Holy Spirit to lovingly transform every energy, every belief, every idea, every understanding, every decision, every expectation, every judgment, every motivation and every behavior, bringing them into alignment with the perfect love of God, so that I may take the next step toward the divine plan for my life. For all I have is received and all that is yet to come, I am so very grateful! And so it is!

          Until today, you may not have known how to move your life to the next level. Just for today, put faith and confidence into your prayers.

 

          Today I am devoted to allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me into the next step of my personal growth and spiritual development!