Controlling God Through Core Shame

Controlling God Through Core Shame

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2382.html

Excerpted from Do I Have To Give Up ME to be Loved by GOD?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

//

Every day I hear clients say to me, regarding their beliefs about God, “God is not going to be here for me because I am not good enough.” In essence, they are saying, “I am in control of whether God is unconditionally loving. My worth, or lack of it, determines whether the Spirit of Unconditional Love is here for me.”

How did we come to believe that we could control God?

Some of us were brought up by parents whose “love” was conditional. We had to earn our parents’ love by our acting the way they wanted us to. In the process, we learned many ways to control getting the “love” (in reality, approval) that we needed. And we probably projected our parents’ feelings onto God. We believed that God’s love was conditional. (It’s not. It’s a free and unconditional gift.) We believed we could win God’s love by being “good” and doing things “right.” This got us into even deeper water, since “good” and “right” are usually defined by parents, teachers, religious leaders and others in authority, rather than by our own inner spiritual Guidance. In reality, “good” is whatever is truly loving to ourselves and others.

Children are often systematically taught to try to win love from others and God. We train them in the art of control by controlling them and by rewarding their various attempts to control us (by giving them candy or kisses when they are good, for example). Parents try many ways to control their kids: anger, threats, sarcasm, punishment, criticism, judgments, withdrawal, physical violence, treats, money, shame and smothering. Kids, in turn, may try to get parental approval or attention by being nice, by caretaking (giving themselves up and doing what parents want them to do), overachieving, becoming invisible, becoming ill, acting out or having temper tantrums. Anytime we role-model controlling behavior by trying to control our children or reward their manipulative behavior with our attention, we teach them the soul-deadening art of control.

Many children learn to believe they can manipulate love by being good or doing things right. Until they learn that real love is a free gift and cannot be bought or bargained for, they will find endless ways to try to get it. They will try to be perfect, follow all the rules, be polite, always be right – or righteous. Being good may mean suppressing their sexuality. Being the right way may mean dieting or throwing up to the point of starvation to look right so others will love them.

Being good may even include children denying their own feelings and taking responsibility for other’s feelings: Children are routinely told that focusing on themselves is “selfish.” (When people with this kind of training grow up, they may continue the pattern by following the rules of a church, being a community do-gooder or being self-sacrificing not because they are moved from their hearts to do so, but in the hope of earning others’ and God’s approval.)

All of this training in how to control others in order to get the “love” we need ultimately leads to the avoidance of personal responsibility for our needs, feelings and behavior and the absence of loving, compassionate behavior toward ourselves and others.

feelings

Whenever I heard the word “feeling” before, my instant reaction was EWWW!! I don’t do well with feelings. Especially talking about them. It’s devistatingly fearful for me.

For years I didn’t know I had feelings. I had two main ones; happy and really pissed off. The nuetral zone was numb, like a robot. I was either on my way to happy or pissed off. Being in recovery I’m discovering a world of feelings. Sometimes I still get scared or just plain freaked out.

This morning I woke up with that familiar “UGH why do I have to exist feeling.”  Kind of numb. Something about the air where I live, I’ve had a headache constantly for the past 2 days. I woke up with it. I have a wide range of feelings. Angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, worried, anxious, apathetic, cut off, shut down, incredibly unhappy and not seeing a way out. I have not reached step two. I don’t believe there is hope for me.

It’s actually a big step for me to admit that I feel hopeless. So many times I pretend, just so I don’t “bother” people with my attitude problem. I’m a massive co-depedent, so for me to sit in a room with people and say “I’m powerless and I don’t believe I will ever feel any different” is scary. I just wanna be a good, active member. I DON’T want to “bring people down”. Yet I put myself last on the priority list of life.  I have a natural tendency to put others before me, in all aspects of my life. Even when I’m shopping. If I’m looking at something and someone comes within two feet of me, I move. I get massively annoyed when people stand too close, I feel pushed and violated. It pisses me off, but I dare not say anything!!!

When people asked me how I am, I just give em a quick fine. Okay. Sometimes I’ll say crazy. Or I just sigh. One day I’ll answer “fucked up and nuetroic, how about you?”

I am powerless over my feelings, and I’m powerless to talk about them. Well if thats not fucked I don’t know WHAT is.

Directness

So much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs.

Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.

Let go of your need to control. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light. Let go, and freely be who you are.

Today, I will be honest with others, and myself knowing that if I don’t, my truth will come out some other way.

Being Honest with Ourselves

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we need
to maintain. The quality of that relationship will determine the quality of
our other relationships.

When we can tell ourselves how we feel, and accept our feelings, we can tell
others.

When we can accept what we want and need, we will be ready to have our wants
and needs met.

When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what’s important to
us, we can relay this to others.

When we learn to take ourselves seriously, others will too.

When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be ready to laugh with
others.

When we have learned to trust ourselves, we will be trustworthy and ready to
trust.

When we can be grateful for who we are, we will have achieved self-love.

When we have achieved self-love and accepting our wants and needs, we will
be ready to give and receive love.

When we’ve learned to stand on our own two feet, we’re ready to stand next
to someone.

Today, I will focus on having a good relationship with myself.

unanswered questions

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.
–Rainer Maria Rilke

We carry problems and discrepancies within us, quandaries that are not easily answered – and we have bigger questions about life and the world. Why did I act as I did in my younger years? Can my life partnership be happy again? How should I handle a secret that I carry? What is this thing we call Higher Power and God?

We are on a journey and, in some ways, this journey is a quest for answers. The questions give energy and direction to our seeking. We cannot expect to get quick or easy answers. And some questions will always remain just that: questions. But we can learn to be patient with ourselves, tolerant of our incompleteness, and always curious about how it will all turn out.

Today I will practice patience with myself and embrace my unsolved questions as crucial elements in my quest.

Wants and Needs

So many of us have been brainwashed to think that we can’t have what we want in life. That is the belief of the martyr. It is born of deprivation and fear.

Identifying what we want and need, then writing it down, sets in motion a powerful chain of events. It indicates that we are taking responsibility for ourselves, giving God and the Universe permission to supply our wants and needs.

The belief that we deserve to have a change in character, a relationship, a new dimension to an existing relationship, a possession, a certain level of health, living, loving, or success, is a powerful force in bringing that desire to pass.

Often, when we realize that we want something, that feeling is God preparing us to receive it!

Listen. Trust. Empower the good in your life by paying attention to what you want and need. Write it down. Affirm it mentally. Pray about it. Then, let it go. Give it to God, and see what happens.

The results may be better than you think.

Today, I will pay attention to what I want and need. I will take time to write it down, and then I will let it go. I will begin to believe I deserve the best.

earning

So the last couple posts have dug into me, and I’m realizing; I have been trying to earn love, trying to earn this place in life by what I do. It’s something I’ve known but hadn’t quite absorbed completely. All the list of things that we do to cover the pain, compulsive (fill in the blank); people pleasing especially.

I’ve receieved nothing but rejection, especially from my parents. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Of course my grades weren’t good enough, I was a below average student. I was never thin enough, that started when I was in Junior High. I could never cook or clean enough. Never enough laundry. Never enough whatever. But I’ve been trying, trying, trying, desperately trying to earn my parents love. It’s never happened, and I know it never will. This isn’t defeat, its surrender.

I have spent my life not only trying to earn my parents love, but also earn love for myself. I’ve been trying to like myself through what I do, or don’t do. My life pattern history is trying to do this and that so I can love myself. Trying to be smarter, trying to be more outgoing, trying to do better in life, especially with school, jobs, people, money, family, friends. Trying, trying, trying until I’m so worn out that I can barely function because I’m frustrated, angry and ultimiately, I’m alone. I’m trying to leave myself, I’m trying to be someone else so I can love myself.

There’s nothing I can do to earn God’s love. The very fact that I’m living shows that God loves me. Every time I choose to take care of myself I show God that I love Him. Even when I make a mistake, God loves me. Every time I’m selfish, God loves me. Every time I say no to God, He still loves me. There’s nothing I can do to earn it, and nothing I can do to lose it. He knows everything about me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I was at my absolute worst, He loved me. When I’m at my best, He loves me the same.

In Al-Anon we learn; we can only change ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves. Just like when we are on a plane they tell us if the oxygen masks come down, put on our masks first so we can help another put on their masks. If we can’t breathe, how can we help someone else breathe? The same goes for love. If I don’t love myself, how can I possibly help another human being love themselves? It’s just not possible. We can’t give away what we don’t have. This isn’t defeat, its a blessing. Its surrender. This brings peace, not shame. Yes, the best thing I can do for myself, that I can do for others, that I can do for God is just relax. He’s taking care of everything and everyone, not me. Thankfully. I have limited power. God has all the power. I’ll let Him.

disabled

Part of the problem with the world “disabilities” is that it immediately suggests and inability to see or hear or walk or do other things tht many of us take for granted. But what about people who can’t feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren’t able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.

-mr rogers

Word Power

I know I’m controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I’d respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
–Anonymous

Some of us are so vulnerable to words. A well timed “I love you.” A chosen moment for “I’m sorry.” An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.

There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naiveté. They
know what they’re doing. They understand their impact on us!

We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.

Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn’t match a person’s words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person’s behavior matches it.

We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk. We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us – even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.

Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.

Accepting Our Best

We don’t have to do it any better than we can – ever.

Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.

We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.

Striving for excellence is a positive quality.

Striving for perfection is self-defeating.

Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval?

There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.

There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until our best becomes better.

Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.

Today, I will do my best, and then let it go. God, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I’ve come.