Controlling God Through Core Shame

Controlling God Through Core Shame

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2382.html

Excerpted from Do I Have To Give Up ME to be Loved by GOD?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

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Every day I hear clients say to me, regarding their beliefs about God, “God is not going to be here for me because I am not good enough.” In essence, they are saying, “I am in control of whether God is unconditionally loving. My worth, or lack of it, determines whether the Spirit of Unconditional Love is here for me.”

How did we come to believe that we could control God?

Some of us were brought up by parents whose “love” was conditional. We had to earn our parents’ love by our acting the way they wanted us to. In the process, we learned many ways to control getting the “love” (in reality, approval) that we needed. And we probably projected our parents’ feelings onto God. We believed that God’s love was conditional. (It’s not. It’s a free and unconditional gift.) We believed we could win God’s love by being “good” and doing things “right.” This got us into even deeper water, since “good” and “right” are usually defined by parents, teachers, religious leaders and others in authority, rather than by our own inner spiritual Guidance. In reality, “good” is whatever is truly loving to ourselves and others.

Children are often systematically taught to try to win love from others and God. We train them in the art of control by controlling them and by rewarding their various attempts to control us (by giving them candy or kisses when they are good, for example). Parents try many ways to control their kids: anger, threats, sarcasm, punishment, criticism, judgments, withdrawal, physical violence, treats, money, shame and smothering. Kids, in turn, may try to get parental approval or attention by being nice, by caretaking (giving themselves up and doing what parents want them to do), overachieving, becoming invisible, becoming ill, acting out or having temper tantrums. Anytime we role-model controlling behavior by trying to control our children or reward their manipulative behavior with our attention, we teach them the soul-deadening art of control.

Many children learn to believe they can manipulate love by being good or doing things right. Until they learn that real love is a free gift and cannot be bought or bargained for, they will find endless ways to try to get it. They will try to be perfect, follow all the rules, be polite, always be right – or righteous. Being good may mean suppressing their sexuality. Being the right way may mean dieting or throwing up to the point of starvation to look right so others will love them.

Being good may even include children denying their own feelings and taking responsibility for other’s feelings: Children are routinely told that focusing on themselves is “selfish.” (When people with this kind of training grow up, they may continue the pattern by following the rules of a church, being a community do-gooder or being self-sacrificing not because they are moved from their hearts to do so, but in the hope of earning others’ and God’s approval.)

All of this training in how to control others in order to get the “love” we need ultimately leads to the avoidance of personal responsibility for our needs, feelings and behavior and the absence of loving, compassionate behavior toward ourselves and others.

All Our Needs

And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory…
–Phil. 4:19

This verse has helped me many times. It has helped me when I have wondered where my next friend bit of wisdom, insight, or meal was coming from.

Everything I need today shall be supplied to me.

People, jobs, what we have to our immediate disposal, are not our source.

We have tapped into a Greater Source, a source of infinite and immediate supply: God and His Universe.

Our task is to allow ourselves to come into harmony with our Source. Our task is to believe in, and look to, our true Source. Our task is to release fear; negative thinking, limitations, and short supply thinking.

Everything we need shall be provided to us. Let it become a natural response to all situations, and all situations of need.

Reject fear. Reject short supply and limited thinking notions. Be open to abundance.

Cherish need because it is part of our relationship to God and His Universe. God has planned to meet our every need, has created the need within us, so God can supply.

No need is too small or too great. If we care and value our need, God will too.

Our part is taking responsibility for owning the need. Our part is giving the need to the Universe. Our part is letting go, in faith. Our part is giving God permission to meet our needs by believing we deserve to have our needs – and wants – met.

Our part is healthy giving, not out of caretaking, guilt, obligation, and codependency, but out of a healthy relationship with ourselves, God, and all of God’s creations.

Our part is simply to be who we are, and love being that.

Today, I will practice the belief that all my needs today shall be met. I will step into harmony with God and His Universe, knowing that I count.

Meditation and Prayer

The Eleventh Step asks us to meditate as a route to improving our conscious
contact with God.

Meditation is different than obsessing or worrying. Obsession and worrying
are fear connections. Meditation means opening our mind and our spiritual
energy to the God connection.

To connect with God, we need to relax as best we can and open our conscious
and subconscious mind to a Higher Consciousness – one that is available to
each of us.

In the busyness of our day and life, it may seem like a waste of time to
slow down, to stop what we’re doing, and take this kind of break. It is no
more a waste of time than stopping to put gas in our car when the tank is
almost empty. It is necessary, it is beneficial, and it saves time. In fact,
meditation can create more time and energy than the moments we take to do
it.

Meditation and prayer are powerful recovery behaviors that work. We need to
be patient. It is not reasonable to expect immediate answers, insight, or
inspiration.

But solutions are coming. They are already on the way, if we have done our
part – meditate and pray – and then let the rest go.

Whether we pray and meditate first thing in the morning, during a coffee
break, or in the evening is our choice.

When our conscious contact with God improves, our subconscious contact will
too. We will find ourselves increasingly tuned in to God’s harmony and will
for us. We will find and maintain that soul connection, the God connection.

Today, I will take a moment for meditation and prayer. I will decide when
and how long to do it. I am a child and creation of God – a Higher Power who
loves to listen and talk to me. God, help me let go of my fears about
whether or not You hear and care. Help me know that You are there and that I
am able to tap into the spiritual consciousness.

we are not beyond help

Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.Psalm 3:2-3

We receive messages about ourselves from the important people in our lives. We internalize these messages and carry them with us, repeating them to ourselves as if they were gospel truth. When the messages are shaming messages then the internal chorus chants “You are not lovable. You are beyond repair. Even God cannot help you.”

This chorus is a chorus of lies. The psalmist rejects these lies. And we need to begin to reject these lies as well.

The Lord is a “shield around me”, the psalmist says. A shield protects. It comes between the blows of an enemy and a person’s vulnerable places. Most shields are small and can only protect a limited area from
attack. But the shield which the Lord provides completely surrounds us. We can let this shield protect us from these attacking messages.

The psalmist also says that the Lord “bestows glory on me and lifts up my head”. Heavy burdens of shame, neglect and abuse have bowed our heads. The Lord listens, pays attention and cares about us. God’s love counters the voices of our internal shame-chorus so that we can lift our heads. God replaces our shame with glory. It is a picture of a ragged, neglected child whose head is bowed and shoulders are bent. A king sees the child and goes to him. The king gently lifts the child’s chin until his eyes meet his own smiling eyes. He asks the child to come home and live as royalty with him. The child is loved, honored, protected. You are the child. God lifts your head and bestows glory.

God help me to stop listening to lies about you.
Help me to stop listening to lies about me.
Be a shield around me.
Bestow glory.
Lift up my head.
Amen.

building a prayer life

Dear God (or Higher Power);

 

I thank You for the privilege of prayer.

 

I am aware that prayer is my direct line of communication to you.

 

I acknowledge that I can do more through prayer than I can do with my limited power.

 

I am so grateful that in my darkest hour, or my weakest moment, I can come to you in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when the hopelessness of despair threaten to overtake me, I can come to you in prayer.

 

I thank you for the privilege of prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when my abilities and knowledge are inadequate to meet the challenges of my life, I can come to you in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when I feel weak and helpless, I can come to you in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when my family and friends turn their backs in my time of need, or are not there to encourage and support me, I can come to you in prayer.

 

I thank you for the privilege of prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when I “can’t”, you can and you do when I come to you in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when I don’t know, you know, and you shower me with understanding and direction when I come to you in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that when I don’t know what to say or what to do, you provide me with divine direction and the power to speak the truth without hesitation, if I simply come to you in prayer.

 

I thank you for the privilege of prayer.

 

I am so grateful that you are my mediator in the face of strife and that you protect me from inner and outer adversaries when I come to you in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that you are my supporter, my cheerleader, my strongest advocate.

 

You inspire me, motivate me and help me to take the most appropriate steps when I come to you in prayer.

 

I thank you for the privilege of prayer.

 

I am so grateful that no matter what the situation may be, no matter how I am feeling or what I am doing, I can come to you at any time, under all circumstances, in prayer.

 

I am so grateful that there is nothing that you and I can’t do together when I bring you any concern or request in prayer.

 

I thank you for the privilege of prayer, for your swift response to every prayer I offer.

 

Thank you, God, for hearing my prayer.

 

Thank you for receiving my prayer.

 

Thank you, God, for the awesome power and privilege of prayer.

 

For all I have received and all that is yet to come, i humbly offer my prayer of gratitude.

 

And so it is!!

God carries us through

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.Isaiah 43:2

There are times in the recovery process when it feels like we will drown in sorrow. The losses, the betrayals, the failures threaten to overwhelm us. The intensity of the emotional pain frightens us in times like this.
We feel ourselves loosing ground as life swirls around us.

This text states with great clarity two central truths which are critical to our survival in times like this. First, God has made a very specific promise to us. God says “I will be with you.” This may not always be what we want. We may want God to take the floods of life away. We may want God to build dams upstream in life so that the danger of flood is diminished.

But, God’s promise is clear. I will be with you.

Secondly, this text says very clearly “When you pass through the waters, they will not sweep over you.” God will protect us and see us through. There are times in recovery when there just doesn’t seem to be any way to make it. Nothing is more painful in these times than to have someone who stands at a distance express optimism about our recovery in a way that minimizes the struggle. ["Oh, you're going to be fine. Stop worrying about it."]

Conversely, nothing is more valuable in these times than to have someone with us who sees the danger clearly but who is able to be hopeful for us and protect us and see us through.

For your promise to be with me in the floods of life, God,
I give you thanks.
Help me to sense your presence.
For your hopefulness about my recovery,
I give you thanks.
Help me to share in your hope.
You are Life-Preserver to me, God.
Thank you.
Amen.

Denial

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic
situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial–as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things
denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed – strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket.

Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them will and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself–and others–for those times I have used denial.

being transformed

I am faith filled and fear free because I am being transformed from the inside out.

 

Here is a prayer of faith.

          I now call the activity of the Holy Spirit into every cell, every tissue, every organ in my being. I invite the Holy Spirit to lovingly transform every energy, every belief, every idea, every understanding, every expectation, every judgment, every motivation and every behavior, bringing them into alignment with the perfect will of God, so that I may take the next step toward the divine plan for my life.

          I now call the activity of the Holy Spirit into every cell, every tissue, every organ in my being. I invite the Holy Spirit to lovingly transform every energy, every belief, every idea, every understanding, every decision, every expectation, every judgment, every motivation and every behavior, bringing them into alignment with the perfect peace of God, so that I may take the next step toward the divine plan for my life.

          I now call the activity of the Holy Spirit into every cell, every issue, every organ in my being. I invite the Holy Spirit to lovingly transform every energy, every belief, every idea, every understanding, every decision, every expectation, every judgment, every motivation and every behavior, bringing them into alignment with the perfect love of God, so that I may take the next step toward the divine plan for my life. For all I have is received and all that is yet to come, I am so very grateful! And so it is!

          Until today, you may not have known how to move your life to the next level. Just for today, put faith and confidence into your prayers.

 

          Today I am devoted to allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me into the next step of my personal growth and spiritual development!

THE LORD IS MY SPONSOR, I SHALL NOT WANT… He makes me to go to many meetings. He leads me to sit back, relax, and listen with an open mind, He restores my soul, my sanity, and my health. He leads me in the path of sobriety, serenity, and fellowship for my own sake. He teaches me to think, to take it easy, to live and let live, and do first things first. He makes me more humble and grateful. He teaches me to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and gives me the wisdom to know the difference. Yea, though I walk through the valley of despair, frustration, guilt, and remorse, I will fear no evil. For Thou are with me, your program, your way of life, your twelve steps, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: rationalization, fear, anxiety, self-pity, resentment. You anoint my confused mind and jangled nerves with knowledge, understanding, and hope. No longer am I alone, neither am I afraid, nor sickened, nor helpless, nor hopeless. My cups runs over, Surely sobriety and serenity shall follow me every day of my life, one day at a time, twenty-four hours at a time. As I surrender my will to You and carry Your message to others, I will dwell in the house of My Higher Power, as I understand him, one day at a time, forever and ever.

the main thing the main thing