Directness

So much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs.

Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.

Let go of your need to control. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light. Let go, and freely be who you are.

Today, I will be honest with others, and myself knowing that if I don’t, my truth will come out some other way.

love n fear

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.
Marianne Williamson

powerless and unmanagable

So I’m learning what true powerlessness and loss of control over my life is today. I can feel it down to my bones. It’s happening to me right now. My auto-pilot came on and I’m becoming a robot. Old patterns don’t die just because I want them to. I want it to but I feel the urgency to continue old patterns. Don’t think for myself. Don’t question. Just go. Go.

Detach with love. Its easy to think about, hard to put in practice. The pull that people have over me still makes me angry. I want to tell them off. I want to yell and scream. GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN! LEAVE ME ALONE! It’s not that I don’t want to be around them, but I want to get off of this auto pilot. I want the option of choice. Not from anyone else, but within me. Just because I’ve done things in the past doesn’t mean I have to do it today.

I was feeling very peaceful this morning. Very peaceful. Then just like an oven timer. DING! Auto pilot comes on. I get ansty and annoyed. My mind starts to race and my heart shuts down.

God gives us, gives me free will. He gives me the ability to walk my own way if I so desire. God hears our no and says OK. I wish you wouldn’t but its okay. I still love you and never will stop hoping you’ll say yes. People… definitely DON’T. Especially sick people. I definitely know who and what sick people do because I am one of them. Only a sick person would continiously do something for someone else that they don’t really don’t want to do. And I don’t even know what it is I WANT to do. That’s the saddest part.

Sigh. Surrender the feelings and the actions will come…

learning to trust again

Many of us have trust issues.

Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing
alcoholic not to drink again.

Some of us trusted our Higher Power inappropriately. We trusted God to make other people do what we wanted, then felt betrayed when that didn’t work out.

Some of us were taught that life couldn’t be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.

Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn’t trust ourselves.

In recovery, we’re healing from our trust issues. We’re learning to trust again. The first lesson in trust is this: We can learn to trust ourselves. We can be trusted. If others have taught us we cannot trust ourselves, they
were lying. Addictions and dysfunctional systems make people lie.

We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power – not to make people do what we wanted them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.

We can trust the process – of life and recovery. We do not have to control, obsess, or become hyper vigilant. We may not always understand where we are going, or what’s being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.

When we learn to do this, we are ready to learn to trust other people. When we trust our Higher Power and when we trust ourselves, we will know who to trust and what to trust that person for.

Perhaps we always did. We just didn’t listen closely enough to ourselves or trust what we heard.

Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust my Higher Power, my recovery, and myself. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.

Insisting on the Best

We deserve the best life and love has to offer, but we are each faced with the challenge of learning to identify what that means in our life. We must each come to grips with our own understanding of what we believe we deserve, what we want, and whether we are receiving it.

There is only one place to start, and that is right where we are, in our current circumstances. The place we begin is with us.

What hurts? What makes us angry? What are we whining and complaining about? Are we discounting how much a particular behavior is hurting us? Are we making excuses for the other person, telling ourselves we’re “too demanding”?

Are we reluctant, for a variety of reasons, especially fear, to tackle the issues in our relationships that may be hurting us? Do we know what’s hurting us and do we know that we have a right to stop our pain, if we want to do that?

We can begin the journey from deprived to deserving. We can start it today. We can also be patient and gentle with ourselves as we travel in important increments from believing we deserve second best, to knowing in our hearts that we deserve the best, and taking responsibility for that.

Today, I will pay attention to how I allow people to treat me, and how I feel about that. I will also watch how I treat others. I will not overreact by taking their issues too personally and too seriously; I will not under
react by denying that certain behaviors are inappropriate and not acceptable to me.

We Are Lovable

Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still
real, and you are still okay.
–Codependent No More

Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For
many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers,
friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to
choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we
don’t believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a
particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and
push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact.

While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we
deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our
life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren’t loved was because we
were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an
inappropriate one. If others couldn’t love us, or love us in ways that
worked, that’s not our fault. In recovery, we’re learning to separate
ourselves from the behavior of others. And we’re learning to take
responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.

Just as we may have believed that we’re unlovable, we can become skilled at
practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the
quality of our relationships. It will improve our most important
relationship: our relationship with our self. We will be able to let others
love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve.

Today, God, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating beliefs I
have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am
lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and
manifests itself in my relationships.

fear

Fear;
False Evidence Appearing Real.

I have a lot of fears; rational and irrational. I have a fear of heights, so I avoid roller coasters & ferris wheels.

Irrational fears are just as real and just as paralyzing as the rational fears.

I’ve had a gazillion traffic citations/tickets. Mostly speeding. it’s part of my “dealing” with my anger: ie: road rage. I get highly irritated when driving. I’ve gotten better, but I still suffer from “I want to be where I am going five minutes ago”.

The last traffic incident was speeding, and I managed to scrape by, by the skin of my teeth going to traffic school so it wouldn’t be on my record. I was literally on my way to take the test, being semi-confident I’d pass the class when I get pulled over again. For not coming to a “full and complete stop” at a stop sign. *Insert cussing here*. Anyway, I finally get the ticket in the mail 2 weeks ago. This happened like 4 months ago. The ticket is $206, and I have practically no money. Plus, I somehow managed to lose the citation notice.

The ticket is due this coming Monday. I called the courthouse and they gave me the ticket number. I can go to traffic court and they can reduce the price of the ticket and I might even be able to do payments so I don’t have to pay it at once. So today is Friday. The ticket is due Monday. It’s noon. I’m dressed and ready to go. But theres a bazillion questions circling around in my head. Will I be able to get a court date? Will they really reduce the price? What if they tell me this or that? What if they want me to pay today? And the questions circle around in my head like a merry go round. I’m paralyzed. I call my sponsor and she doesn’t answer.. again. I panic, cry, and so on.

I call the courthouse again and hear an option about extending the ticket date for 30 days. Questions arise again. What reason do I have? Is it good enough? What if they say no? It’s an automated phone system, and one of the options is extend the date. The computer says OK. It’s due August 13th.

This is what happens when the fine art of procrastination and perfection butt heads. This is where the fear becomes so overwhelming I can’t move. This is when I get on my own nerves and I wish I could just run away from myself.. but I can’t.

Times like these is when God shows me how real he is. He does the smallest, most powerful un-asked answer to a prayer. And when I truly become aware of just how much I need my program and my friends in the program. I am at peace again.. until the next “crisis” pops up, haha!!