earning

So the last couple posts have dug into me, and I’m realizing; I have been trying to earn love, trying to earn this place in life by what I do. It’s something I’ve known but hadn’t quite absorbed completely. All the list of things that we do to cover the pain, compulsive (fill in the blank); people pleasing especially.

I’ve receieved nothing but rejection, especially from my parents. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Of course my grades weren’t good enough, I was a below average student. I was never thin enough, that started when I was in Junior High. I could never cook or clean enough. Never enough laundry. Never enough whatever. But I’ve been trying, trying, trying, desperately trying to earn my parents love. It’s never happened, and I know it never will. This isn’t defeat, its surrender.

I have spent my life not only trying to earn my parents love, but also earn love for myself. I’ve been trying to like myself through what I do, or don’t do. My life pattern history is trying to do this and that so I can love myself. Trying to be smarter, trying to be more outgoing, trying to do better in life, especially with school, jobs, people, money, family, friends. Trying, trying, trying until I’m so worn out that I can barely function because I’m frustrated, angry and ultimiately, I’m alone. I’m trying to leave myself, I’m trying to be someone else so I can love myself.

There’s nothing I can do to earn God’s love. The very fact that I’m living shows that God loves me. Every time I choose to take care of myself I show God that I love Him. Even when I make a mistake, God loves me. Every time I’m selfish, God loves me. Every time I say no to God, He still loves me. There’s nothing I can do to earn it, and nothing I can do to lose it. He knows everything about me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I was at my absolute worst, He loved me. When I’m at my best, He loves me the same.

In Al-Anon we learn; we can only change ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves. Just like when we are on a plane they tell us if the oxygen masks come down, put on our masks first so we can help another put on their masks. If we can’t breathe, how can we help someone else breathe? The same goes for love. If I don’t love myself, how can I possibly help another human being love themselves? It’s just not possible. We can’t give away what we don’t have. This isn’t defeat, its a blessing. Its surrender. This brings peace, not shame. Yes, the best thing I can do for myself, that I can do for others, that I can do for God is just relax. He’s taking care of everything and everyone, not me. Thankfully. I have limited power. God has all the power. I’ll let Him.

Stopping Our Pain

Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn.
–Beyond Codependency

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early
childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options.  Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain – temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings. We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don’t have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids – temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with our Higher Power’s help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward – into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that’s appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful
feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

combat denial

A problem well stated is a problem half solved.
–Charles F. Kettering

Denial never really goes away, it creeps into everyone’s life. We may admit we’re powerless over alcohol and drugs but still believe it was the school’s fault that we were suspended. Denial is especially dangerous for us, because it spreads, gets out of control, and eventually takes away our most prized possession: sobriety.

But now we have the tools we need to combat denial. Other people can help us see what we’re really doing. We can get to know ourselves better. And we can learn to change. Day by day, we grow stronger in recovery.

Today let me recognize denial, admit what’s wrong, and begin to fix it.

Word Power

I know I’m controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I’d respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
–Anonymous

Some of us are so vulnerable to words. A well timed “I love you.” A chosen moment for “I’m sorry.” An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.

There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naiveté. They
know what they’re doing. They understand their impact on us!

We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.

Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn’t match a person’s words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person’s behavior matches it.

We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk. We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us – even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.

Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.

Denial

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic
situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial–as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things
denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed – strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket.

Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them will and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself–and others–for those times I have used denial.