powerless

This morning I woke up, a little usual than normal, but late at the same time. Today is a day I’ve been waiting for, since it was to be a day of service to my group. I live in California and was headed towards southern california. Well, I don’t watch tv or the news in the morning. I had no idea what was going on with the fires. So I leave, semi early, and when I make a rest stop I call someone from program who tells me there were some detours on the freeways, but again, I had no idea how bad it really was.

I was headed down 5 south. Normally it takes an hour or so to get to this one location. This time it took roughly 2 to 2 1/2 hours. I escaped one traffic jam, made it to fifth gear and was excited about that when BAM. Another traffic jam. I did okay up until that point. I was only half way to my destination. So I pulled over to a fruit stand to rest my legs (those stick shifts are fun, except in traffic jams). Today was a good day to be at this time on that day. There was a museum that was free for the day, and they were holding a book sale. I love used books. Plus there was a bathroom that didn’t smell like there were some rotting dog poo hidden somewhere. So that was a bonus. I got a couple books, and headed in the opposite direction, from where I came. I wasn’t about to sit in another 2 hours of traffic. By the time I would get there I wouldn’t have enough time there anyway.

But as I was sitting in traffic for the first hour or so, some things popped into my mind. I had a clear view of the mountains, and the huge amounts of smoke that filled the sky. But the fire was on the other side of the mountain, I just saw a tiny bit of fire for a brief moment. And as I sit there, powerless over traffic, I was thinking about the family disease of alcoholism. We all see the smoke. We are all stuck in the same situation. We are all just poking along, very slowly, hoping any moment things will pick up and we can go again. I know for me that the disease of alcoholism made me powerless and stuck throughout my life. The other cars were other people, my fears, my resentments, everything that gets piled onto our shoulders when we were in this situation. And it makes me angry. The whole situation makes me angry. I can scream, cry, cuss, blame, whatever, I’m still stuck in the disease and stuck in my life.

On the road there’s many exits. Some people pratically run each other over trying to get off the freeway. Not me. I stay on the road. I choose to keep going, to stay stuck. I’ve done that for years. Stick with it, keep going, don’t give up, you really aren’t powerless.

The freeway was windy (not wind as in the air was windy but the road itself had a lot of turns) and I couldn’t see how far we had to go until the detour. I have no idea how many miles I was stuck in traffic. Felt like 100 but it was probably about five. Took an hour plus to get to the next freeway. Again there was traffic, and I needed a pit stop but it was out of the way of the gas stations/fast food places. I was stuck. I kept going. Traffic lightened up, which it always does, even in the family disease of alcoholism there are still good times. And BAM. They’re over.  So I made the stop at the book sale.

Ordinarily, I would have kept going and stay stuck in the traffic jam, despite the physical, emotional and spiritual stress it causes me. I was fine during the first jam, but the second, I was getting angry. Ordinarily I’d martyr myself and keep going. Blame traffic for my crappy mood. Get mad at the fire. Get more annoyed with the other drivers on the road. Because, after all, it is about my inconvience, despite the fact that I’m choosing it and I’m forgetting that traffic jams are the least of the problems of a huge wildfire.  So I said no I choose a different path today. I turned back around. There was one minor traffic holdup, but it was light on the way home. Its safe to say that today, I chose recovery. Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll mess up and choose to be stuck again, but today I’m proud of myself. I got a few books, even a used AA book for $1 to pass along to my sponsor so she can pass it along to her sponsees to help others work the steps. That’s more important than needless suffering to try to force something to happen that obviously I shouldn’t have been part of in the first place. But I’m grateful for the spiritual training. And grateful I got home safe.

Anger

Feeling angry – and, sometimes, the act of blaming – is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change – of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.

As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power, others, or ourselves. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: “If only he would have done that… If I wouldn’t have done that… Why didn’t God do it differently?”… We know that blame doesn’t help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.

It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.

Trust the grief process and ourselves. We won’t stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.

God, help me learn to accept my own and others’ anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.

Transformation through Grief

We’re striving for acceptance in recovery – acceptance of our past, other people, our present circumstances, and ourselves. Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom – the freedom to take care of ourselves.

Acceptance is not a one step process. Before we achieve acceptance, we go toward it in stages of denial, anger, negotiating, and sadness. We call these stages the grief process. Grief can be frustrating. It can be confusing. We may vacillate between sadness and denial. Our behaviors may vacillate. Others may not understand us. We may neither understand our own behavior nor ourselves while we’re grieving our losses. Then one day, things become clear. The fog lifts, and we see that we have been struggling to face and accept a particular reality.

Don’t worry. If we are taking steps to take care of ourselves, we will move through this process at exactly the right pace. Be understanding with yourself and others for the very human way we go through transition.

Today, I will accept the way I go through change. I will accept the grief process, and its stages, as the way people accept loss and change.

gratitude

Celebrate your life and hear your spirit sing.
– Elisabeth L.

“What’s to celebrate?” some people ask. We all get our fill of the cynics. Their negativity can weigh down our spirits. But we don’t have to let them control how we see our lives or theirs. To keep our own perceptions positive, it helps to detach from the naysayers. We will improve our chances if we consciously focus on gratitude for even the tiny blessings rather than on whatever might be wrong.

Becoming grateful is the strongest, safest means of feeling good now that we are abstinent. Not only does it readily alter our mood, but it changes our perspective on every detail of our lives. To be thankful rather than “thankless” is a small price to pay for unqualified happiness coupled with serenity.

We’ve all known people who radiate a singing spirit. They love life, themselves, and others. We seek out their company. We can be like those people for the travelers sharing our journey. Let’s do it!

I will practice gratitude today and be a blessing in everyone’s life.

Acceptance

A magical potion is available to us today. That potion is called acceptance.

We are asked to accept many things: ourselves, as we are; our feelings, needs, desires, choices, and current status of being. Other people, as they are. The status of our relationships with them. Problems. Blessings. Financial status. Where we live. Our work, our tasks, our level of performance at these tasks.

Resistance will not move us forward, nor will it eliminate the undesirable. But even our resistance may need to be accepted. Even resistance yields to and is changed by acceptance.

Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. It is not forever; it is for the present moment.

Acceptance is the magic that makes our present circumstances good. It brings peace and contentment and opens the door to growth, change, and moving forward.

It shines the light of positive energy on all that we have and are. Within the framework of acceptance, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Acceptance empowers the positive and tells God we have surrendered to the Plan. We have mastered today’s lesson, and are ready to move on.

Today, I will accept. I will relinquish my need to be in resistance to my environment and myself. I will surrender. I will cultivate contentment and gratitude. I will move forward in joy by accepting where I am today.

Detaching with Love

Sometimes people we love do things we don’t like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we’re all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.

When do we detach? When we’re hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play – an attempt to control or force others to do something they don’t want to do. When the way we’re reacting isn’t helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we’re reacting is hurting us.

Often, it’s time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.

The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don’t help. The next step is getting peaceful – getting centered and restoring our balance.

Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.

Our Good Points

What’s a codependent? The answer’s easy. They’re some of the most loving, caring people I know.
–Beyond Codependency

We don’t need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what’s wrong is a core issue in our codependency.

Honestly, fearlessly, ask: “What’s right with me? What are my good points?”

“Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?” We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.

“Is there something I do particularly well?” “Do I have a strong faith?” “Am I good at being there for others?” “Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader?” “Do I have a way with words or with emotions?”

“Do I have a sense of humor?” “Do I brighten people up?” “Am I good at comforting others?” “Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?” “Do I see the best in people?”

These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that’s okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.

Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.

Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we’re learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.

Today, I will focus on what’s right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I’ve extended to the world.

Knowledge

Learn to let yourself be guided into truth.

We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don’t have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don’t have to force insight or awareness before it’s time.

Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it – until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.

The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.

When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready – we will know what we need to know.

Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time.

unanswered questions

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.
–Rainer Maria Rilke

We carry problems and discrepancies within us, quandaries that are not easily answered – and we have bigger questions about life and the world. Why did I act as I did in my younger years? Can my life partnership be happy again? How should I handle a secret that I carry? What is this thing we call Higher Power and God?

We are on a journey and, in some ways, this journey is a quest for answers. The questions give energy and direction to our seeking. We cannot expect to get quick or easy answers. And some questions will always remain just that: questions. But we can learn to be patient with ourselves, tolerant of our incompleteness, and always curious about how it will all turn out.

Today I will practice patience with myself and embrace my unsolved questions as crucial elements in my quest.

what i love

inspired by Straight talk on relationships.. and of course my wonderful, supportive caring sponsor and program friends.

• Her corky sense of humor
• Her willingness to go out of her way for another person.. even a jerk like me