“FLIP SIDE” of the ACA “LAUNDRY LIST” characteristics

“FLIP SIDE” of the ACA “LAUNDRY LIST” characteristics

1. We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures
2. We do not depend on other to tell us who we are.
3. We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
4. We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment. .
5. We stop living from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our love and friendship relationships
6. We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
7. We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.
8. We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset.
9. We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.
10. We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
11. We stop judging and condemning ourselves adn discover a sense of self-worth
12. We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
13. The characteristics of alcoholism and para alcoholism we have internalized are identified acknowledged and removed.
14. We are actors, not reactors

powerless

This morning I woke up, a little usual than normal, but late at the same time. Today is a day I’ve been waiting for, since it was to be a day of service to my group. I live in California and was headed towards southern california. Well, I don’t watch tv or the news in the morning. I had no idea what was going on with the fires. So I leave, semi early, and when I make a rest stop I call someone from program who tells me there were some detours on the freeways, but again, I had no idea how bad it really was.

I was headed down 5 south. Normally it takes an hour or so to get to this one location. This time it took roughly 2 to 2 1/2 hours. I escaped one traffic jam, made it to fifth gear and was excited about that when BAM. Another traffic jam. I did okay up until that point. I was only half way to my destination. So I pulled over to a fruit stand to rest my legs (those stick shifts are fun, except in traffic jams). Today was a good day to be at this time on that day. There was a museum that was free for the day, and they were holding a book sale. I love used books. Plus there was a bathroom that didn’t smell like there were some rotting dog poo hidden somewhere. So that was a bonus. I got a couple books, and headed in the opposite direction, from where I came. I wasn’t about to sit in another 2 hours of traffic. By the time I would get there I wouldn’t have enough time there anyway.

But as I was sitting in traffic for the first hour or so, some things popped into my mind. I had a clear view of the mountains, and the huge amounts of smoke that filled the sky. But the fire was on the other side of the mountain, I just saw a tiny bit of fire for a brief moment. And as I sit there, powerless over traffic, I was thinking about the family disease of alcoholism. We all see the smoke. We are all stuck in the same situation. We are all just poking along, very slowly, hoping any moment things will pick up and we can go again. I know for me that the disease of alcoholism made me powerless and stuck throughout my life. The other cars were other people, my fears, my resentments, everything that gets piled onto our shoulders when we were in this situation. And it makes me angry. The whole situation makes me angry. I can scream, cry, cuss, blame, whatever, I’m still stuck in the disease and stuck in my life.

On the road there’s many exits. Some people pratically run each other over trying to get off the freeway. Not me. I stay on the road. I choose to keep going, to stay stuck. I’ve done that for years. Stick with it, keep going, don’t give up, you really aren’t powerless.

The freeway was windy (not wind as in the air was windy but the road itself had a lot of turns) and I couldn’t see how far we had to go until the detour. I have no idea how many miles I was stuck in traffic. Felt like 100 but it was probably about five. Took an hour plus to get to the next freeway. Again there was traffic, and I needed a pit stop but it was out of the way of the gas stations/fast food places. I was stuck. I kept going. Traffic lightened up, which it always does, even in the family disease of alcoholism there are still good times. And BAM. They’re over.  So I made the stop at the book sale.

Ordinarily, I would have kept going and stay stuck in the traffic jam, despite the physical, emotional and spiritual stress it causes me. I was fine during the first jam, but the second, I was getting angry. Ordinarily I’d martyr myself and keep going. Blame traffic for my crappy mood. Get mad at the fire. Get more annoyed with the other drivers on the road. Because, after all, it is about my inconvience, despite the fact that I’m choosing it and I’m forgetting that traffic jams are the least of the problems of a huge wildfire.  So I said no I choose a different path today. I turned back around. There was one minor traffic holdup, but it was light on the way home. Its safe to say that today, I chose recovery. Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll mess up and choose to be stuck again, but today I’m proud of myself. I got a few books, even a used AA book for $1 to pass along to my sponsor so she can pass it along to her sponsees to help others work the steps. That’s more important than needless suffering to try to force something to happen that obviously I shouldn’t have been part of in the first place. But I’m grateful for the spiritual training. And grateful I got home safe.

Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn’t have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person’s unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we’re so tired we don’t care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.’

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it’s own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

Substance over Form

I’m learning that for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my makeup applied perfectly, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right man. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I’m finally getting to the truth. It’s substance that counts.
–Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.

Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we didn’t know how to focus on substance.

Form is the outline; substance is what fills it in. We fill in the outline of ourselves by being authentic; we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.

Now, in recovery, we’re learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.

Today, I will focus on substance in my life. I will fill in the lines of myself with a real person – me. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real working of my life, instead of the trappings.

Knowledge

Learn to let yourself be guided into truth.

We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don’t have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don’t have to force insight or awareness before it’s time.

Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it – until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.

The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.

When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready – we will know what we need to know.

Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time.

what i love

inspired by Straight talk on relationships.. and of course my wonderful, supportive caring sponsor and program friends.

• Her corky sense of humor
• Her willingness to go out of her way for another person.. even a jerk like me

Times of Reprogramming

Recovery is not all-tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem.

These are the times when what we’ve been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense, but purposeful.

There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being “reprogrammed.” We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these times. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar.

During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy – like we are on a journey without a road map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before.

We may not understand what is being worked out in us. We may not know where or if we are being led.

We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working His finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road to. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need.

We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold.

Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don’t understand it. We are right where we need to be in this process; we’re going through exactly what we need to experience. And where we’re going is better than any place we’ve been.

Today, God, help me believe that the changes I’m going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I’m traveling will lead to a place of light, love, and joy.