It’s been quite a while since I’ve done anything with this page. Can’t say I’m out of the anger stage, hah, not at all. I’m quite angry at the moment actually.
Sometimes the “awareness” stage of things being wrong is like being hit in the face by a professional boxer. It’s not always wonderful and dandy.
This morning i was woken up by a whining dog. Nothing unusual for me in my life. It doesn’t happen quite as often as it used to growing up but its quite annoying. Dogs are quite annoying in my life. They are never a blessing. Maybe if the so-called adult in my life would actually take the time to train them, but no. They are stupid, spoiled, rotten dogs. They can do no wrong. (ME.. on the other hand…… never can do right)
I ate breakfast and pondered going slightly out of town with my adult child mother. Decided I didn’t feel like babysitting, so I washed off the spot-filled windows on the car I’m going to use today and went to the gym. Didn’t do much. I put in little effort. I was annoyed by the people at the gym. Why is it when I want to use a machine that someone has to use it for like 20 minutes? Anyway I got “home” and noticed adult child mom forgot her cell phone. Oh fan-tastic. Waiting on her to ask me to drive 1 1/2 hours out of my way to deliver it.
I checked the mail. Oh good. Another bill I can’t pay. $225. I mean, me, personally, as an individual, can’t pay it. I haven’t worked in years. (huge issue. I am disabled in my mind. I cry at job interviews. It’s pathetic.) Anyway, Im pissed. I’m annoyed. I have a life where i have “everything”, and i have absolutely nothing. I have needy parents who only give me problems, an endless appetite for food, layers and layers and layers of hostility and anger, memories I want to remember but can’t, endless missing relatives, an empty bank account and an empty hole in me.
On the way home from the gym I wondered why I let myself be put through this hell. Why do I torture myself? When I think of the hell both my parents and my relatives put me through, why do I keep letting it happen? Talk about being inconvenienced my entire life by their..selfishness.. disease.. whatever it is.
Then a thought came in, oh yeah, nobody paid any attention to me growing up so I feel like I don’t exist. No one talked to me, no one told me I was pretty, or smart, nobody flourished me with hugs and kisses, no bedtime stories, no help with homework, no “how was your day”. Nothing. Well not exactly nothing. I got questioned why I didn’t know this or that, I was accused of things, I was told that what i was wearing was crap, I got questioned about food, I got laughed at when I messed up, I was called a dumb f**** and was given the silent treatment when I did something wrong, sometimes for days, and never was told why, or what happened. I got ignored and forgot about. I got rejected. Merry Christmas, here’s your present of a pile of shit. Yay!!!!
I hate talking about this crap. There’s never a moment when I’m glad to share this. People generally think I’m a spoiled bitch because I’m complaining when I’m this pathetic old woman living with her mother who “doesn’t have to do anything”. Screw you buddy, I have to do PLENTY. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to. Just the way I was “raised”.
I have stress not only about a billion yesterdays I can’t do anything about, but the stress of the things I feel I can’t deal with. How do I deal with a cry baby so-called helpless mother, her five billion problems, but the stress of the things I don’t know in MY life. (my non-existent life that is). Aw poor mommy forgot her phone, lets get the violins playing. Poor baby. As SHE would say, what about me? If something happened, if she got a brain and kicked me out or died or whatever, Id be totally screwed. i’m like a wild animal that has been tamed from living in a zoo. I’d nearly die on my own. I know i wouldnt LITERALLY die, but my whole world would crash. Pathetic, but true.
So thats my whine.
Anybody got cheese?
