irresponsible workaholic??

Interesting concept flying through my head at the moment.

I went to the dentist for a cleaning last week, and I really shouldn’t have, but I checked up on the payment. (not my money, not my account). I let my irresponsible workaholic mother write a check to pay for it. Not surprisingly, at ALL, there isn’t enough money in the bank for it to clear. If there was a penny for every time she’s bounced a check, with or without my help, she’d be a freakin millionaire. She’s been in debt more times than she’s bounced checks. Thousands and thousands of dollars, shes always paying for everything, me, and planet earth, regardless of being able to afford it.

So the question I’m asking myself is why am I depending on undependable?!!?

It’s so normal for me that its weird I’m actually asking myself this question.

Seems like I’m always depending on the wrong people or wrong situations. I’m sitting here accusing my mother of being irresponsible, but HELLO how irresponsible am i!! I’m not a irresponsible workaholic (at the moment) although if I had a job (minimum wage is all i could get) I wouldn’t be responsible for myself. I’m hardly ever responsible for myself! Ever!

I’m also thousands in debt (thanks student loans) been to court for non payment for other bills. I’m so ashamed of myself for it. I feel disgusting about it. My moms “solution” is working more hours, and more school to get more money. Is more money a real solution?! Not really! The more money we seem to make the more we spend!

I’m emotionally completely irresponsible too. For the past couple years I’ve been going to online meetings, but i haven’t been in a while. In about 10 minutes there is going to be a remembrance ceremony type-thing for people who have lost people during the holidays, and I should be there. I should be sharing or opening up about myself in some form.. I randomly cried twice yesterday.. but I stop myself. I’m too busy worrying about bills, dishes, my ever-growing-fat-ass and the to-do list i can’t do. And being annoyed at emails where my mother writes me her endless worries, frustrations, money problems and her endless to do-list. Isn’t there more to life than this….?

love exists…. ?

How to get through what you’re going through by Iyanla Vanzant

While browsing random pictures posted by people I came across one that brought me to tears. (That doesn’t happen often). It’s probably famous but I’d never seen it before. It is of a (white) child, probably only 1 or 2 dressed in a KKK outfit. He/she is touching a piece of face-shield equipment by a (black) officer, looking like a riot is about to break out. It’s heartbreaking people teach children hatred so young.

Even though neither one of my parents purposely sat me down and taught me hatred, there was always an aura of disgust with people for hundreds of different reasons. I feel they essentially taught me hatred by disconnection, by choosing not to be part of anything. Not teaching me how to get along with others; quite the opposite. Bad behavior, by children standards were tolerated. (I would cuss at age 4 and it was evidently hilarious to them).

I learned how to resent people, how to avoid/hide, how to judge, how to criticize, how to bully, how to micromanage, and most of the time feel perfectly fine while doing it. (Since it’s always everyone else’s fault when something bad happens)

Being childlike isn’t tolerable, accepted and approved. I vividly remember playing and dancing as children do and being laughed at and judged harshly. Saying a word wrong and being laughed at. Being laughed at for asking questions. I was always mocked for being a child. So I grew up. Quick.

Sitting here today as an “adult”, one of my biggest regrets is letting myself getting bullied out of a childhood. All the times I tried to “be strong”, not cry and “suck it up” when my world was collapsing.

Nobody can turn back the clock to our childhood and ask mom and dad what the hell is wrong with you…. but at least today I know better. At least I am capable of being emotional today and not feel ashamed of crying.

s.a.l.t.

Taken from al-anon sayings

As a recovering codependent, one of the acronyms that has helped me most is “S.A.L.T.” STOP ACTION, LISTEN, and THINK. Now when i get myself into a situation where I’m in conflict with someone else, instead of reacting to the conflict I do the following:

STOP ACTION= so i can focus on how I am feeling. I take a deep breath, and try to get my bearings so I can detach from the persons behavior.

LISTEN= to myself “self-talk.” Am I telling myself to change the other person, to get him or her to see my side? Do I feel afraid or threatened?

THINK= about what I want to do. If I think about the choices I have, I can change my usual ways of reacting. This gives me a feeling of mastery over my actions, and the self-confidence to deal effectively with the conflict.

Please Listen to What I am Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one. But don’t believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth– underneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in fear being found out. That’s why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a calm, sophisticated front to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation and I know it. It’s the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh. Laughter would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with front of “having it together,” and a trembling child within. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter to you in a cool tone; I tell you everything that’s nothing and nothing of what’s everything what’s crying within me. So when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying, Please listen to what I am not saying.

I dislike the phony game I’m playing. I’d like to be real and spontaneous, and me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when it may seem to be the last thing I want, and need. Only you can call me aliveness. Each time you’re kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings– small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you re to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long time of feeling inferior builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me, the harder I may strike back. It is irrational, but I am irrational. I fight against the very things I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger then walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try and bet down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands– for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I? you may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every newcomer you meet.

From the book called “Stepping Stones To Recovery from Codependency by Katie C and Deb M

stop following me

do not read this is you are a dog fanatic and all you’re going to do is bitch to me.

inner conflict

Oy. there’s a battle in my head. it happens when my phone rings, when there’s a voice-mail, when there’s a text message. (why do i have a cell phone in the first place? I dunno. Safety net I guess for when I’m out and don’t want to be trapped somewhere). But I already feel trapped.

There’s a inner battle–where I actually am, and where I want to be. I want to be mature enough just to pick up a phone and TALK without the obsessive thinking. What do I say what do I WANT to say what do I think they want to hear WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!! I want to be over this already!!!

I’m emotionally and spiritually dumbfounded. I’m feeling 10,000 things at once. Anxious, scared, angry, annoyed, overwhelmed, crazy, stupid, insane…. I want to say yes i want to say no I want to say leave me alone I want to go I want to do… battle battle battle!! I was doing “fine” till my phone rang!!! Well I wasn’t doing anything, just the usual house chores. Currently washing my sheets. (That’s all I ever do, along with isolate and more other housework)

What am I afraid of.. nothing and everything.. i want to change.. i want to be mature, happy, self respectable.. in other words.. I don’t want to be me! I am not those things. Or maybe I am and I just don’t know it. *beating my head against a virtual wall*

There’s nothing any single person–including me– can do about this. There is no definite answer. Just war.

No idea how to surrender to this. but this feeling seriously BLOWS.

whew. that feels better.