I never realized how much I blame myself for the misery that surrounds me in my friends & family. I was just cleaning out the ice cube dispenser in the freezer and the thought hit me, “I am NOT going to blame myself anymore for the pain of my life and the life of others”. The 3 C’s that I’m learning in al-anon, “I didnt CAUSE it, I can’t CONTROL it and I can’t CURE it“. I can be the cause of my OWN pain, but I can control it by working the program, talking to my sponsor, getting involved in service. There is no cure, but as long as I keep going, it will be lessened.

I think one of the worst things that can happen to us is humans is to be a people-pleaser. To base our happiness and contentment in life purely based on the happiness & the acceptance of others. What an GOD AWFUL way to live. I say this because I have been one for so long. I’ve blamed myself for all the misery of everyone, and I have felt nothing but a complete, and total FAILURE. Not an exaggeration, not speaking in self pity, but in truth. I have been a people pleaser, and I’ve felt nothing but useless and a failure in my life. I constantly beat myself up for “falling short”, for not being more like other people, for not being (financially) successful. For this for that, the list goes on and on.

Am I a disappointment to God? Does He hang His head in shame because of me, the mistakes I’ve made, my flaws, my shortcomings, does He ever regret making me or everything He’s done in my life?! NO!!!!!!! No, no, I say again…..NO!!!!!! God does NOT expect miracles from me. He accepts me and loves me JUST AS I AM TODAY. My sponsor told me yesterday, while nearly having a panic attack over going to work, “i love you and all your imperfections”. I told her she was weird, she laughed and didn’t take it back. God never takes it back. GOD LOVES ME, AND EVERYONE AND OUR IMPERFECTIONS. The sooner I take that to heart, the less painful every day life will be.